Below are a number of funnies I've collected over the years which brought a smile to my face.
If you have a gag that you'd like to share with davecooke.com, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and, if it's any good, we'll add it to the list!
To reveal each gag, click on the 'plus' sign next to it (and hit the 'minus' sign to close it!).
- The best of the worst Country & Western song titles
(Yes, these are genuine songs, recorded and publicly available!)
1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
9) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
12) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Could Spell Yuck!
15) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16) I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
17) I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
18) I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
19) I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
20) I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
21) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
22) If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
24) If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Who Will
25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
26) Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
31) Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
32) Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
36) She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
37) Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
41) You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
42) You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
45) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
46) I came in at 2 with a 10 and woke up at 10 with a 2
47) The last word in lonesome is 'me'
- Das humor
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt ENGLISH as the preferred language for European communications, rather than GERMAN, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British goverment conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (or Euro, for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters. These have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou," and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!!
- A guide to the bachelor's Diet
Breakfast - Get a good start to the week, muesli and two mugs of coffee.
Lunch - Send the secretary out for fresh sandwiches, coffee and doughnuts for everyone in the office. The sandwiches are good, but the apples are a bit boring.
Afternoon Snack - Sneak out for a Diet Coke and a KitKat. Who ate all those doughnuts?
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw.
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put a pound coin in, close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a bottle of red at El Flasho's.
Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho's.
Lunch - KitKat, apple and a Diet Coke.
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends' house and beg for scraps.
Breakfast - Order out for pizza.
Lunch - No time.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for peanuts.
Breakfast - Sausage'n'Egg McMuffin at McDonalds. The Styrofoam plate starts looking good.
Lunch - Even less time.
Dinner - Large Pizza and side salad. Don't eat much of the salad, nobody really likes salad.
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Can't eat now, because have to go to the gym within the hour.
Dinner - Pasta, garlic bread and side salad. Don't eat the side salad. Take it home and plant it in a hanging basket.
Breakfast - No time... church starts soon. Grab a KitKat at the petrol station.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don't eat Lunch and pretend to fast.
Dinner - Bar snacks at the Dog & Duck after the evening service. Wonder about moving home home... (no, that way insanity lies), or finding a good woman. On second thoughts, it's going to be too busy this week.
- Three brasiers
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man.
"Is there is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked "What's the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
- Actual announcements taken from church bulletins
1) Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help
2) On Thursday night we have the Pot Luck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev & Mrs Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs Jones will sing Put Me In My Little Bed accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11) The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water'. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12) Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10th and 11th.
18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
21) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
22) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
23) The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
24) The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
- Genuine contestants' answers from the ITV game show Family Fortunes.
"We asked one hundred people to name an example of [BLANK] and the contestant guessed..."
1) A famous Scotsman ...Jock
2) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers ...A horse
3) A jacket potato topping ...Jam
4) A food that can be brown or white ...Potatoes
5) A sign of the zodiac ...April
6) A job a working dog does ...Slave
7) Something with a hole in it ...A window
8) Something people might be allergic to ...Skiing
9) A type of large cat ...Persian
10) A type of record ...Floppy disk
11) Something associated with pigs ...The police
12) A non-living object with legs ...A plant
13) A domestic animal ...Leopard
14) Something red ...My cardigan
15) A kind of ache ...Filet-o-fish
16) [To a contestant who was a SOUP salesman] A food that can be easily eaten without chewing ...Er, chips?
17) Something you beat ...An apple
18) A dangerous race (eg. a motor race) ...The Arabs
19) A number you have to memorise ...Seven
20) Some famous brothers ...Bonnie and Clyde
21) Something that floats in the bath ...Water
22) Something in the garden that's green ...The shed
23) Something a blind man might use ...A sword
24) Something you wear on the beach ...A deckchair
25) A famous cowboy ...Buck Rogers
26) An animal you might see at a zoo ...A dog
27) A famous bridge ...The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
28) A part of the body beginning with the letter N ...Knee
29) Something you put on walls ...Roofs
30) Something you do in the bathroom ...Decorate
31) A famous Royal ...Mail
32) Something slippery ...A con-man
33) A way of cooking fish ...Cod
34) A form of transport you can walk around in ...My foot
35) A method of securing your home ...Put the kettle on
36) Something you do before going to bed ...Sleep
37) Something a cat does ...Goes to the toilet
38) An animal beginning with the letter B ...Bullfrog
39) The last thing you take off before going to bed ...Your feet
40) Something that makes you scream ...A squirrel
41) Something you have with coffee ...The Sunday Sport
42) A song with 'Moon' in the title ...'Blue Suede Moon'
43) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine ...A bicycle with wings
44) Something with a red light on it ...A Dalek
45) Something you open other than a door ...Your bowels
- Feel like a woman
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!"
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: "Here, iron this."
- God created earth
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Then God said, "Let there be light!"
Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit. And to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time.
God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night."
The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures and let birds fly above the earth."
The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society.
Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before... At this point God created Hell.
- Holy golf
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel.
"Your Holiness," said one of the cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never even held a golf club in his hand before.
"Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed that it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honoured and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the famous senior golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
"Yes", Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
He continued, "Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. A fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says 'Dad, if you don't stop messing around, we won't bring you next time!' "
- How to sing the blues
1) Most blues begin "Woke up this morning".
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you add something appropriate in the next line...
"I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town"
2) Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes.
Sort of... "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and weighs 500 pounds."
3) The blues are not about limitless choice.
4) Blues cars are Chevys and "previously owned" Cadillacs.
Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Of course, walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. The Elektra 225 is reserved for latter-day R&B, not blues. Fords (ideally, pick-up trucks) are also acceptable.
5) Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues.
Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
6) You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.
Hard times in Vermont or North Dokota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
7) The following colours do not belong to the blues:
8) You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong.
Good places for the blues:
a. the highway
b. a high ol' lonesome hill
c. the jailhouse
d. the empty bed
b. gallery openings
c. weekends in the country
9) No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. And they're mostly all dead.
10) Do you have the right to sing the blues?
a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied.
a. you once were blind but now can see
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund
d. you shot at a man in Memphis, but missed.
11) Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
Nor can the Kronos Quartet or Vanessa Mae.
12) If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
d. muddy water
Blues beverages are not:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Tango (all flavours)
13) If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die of liposuction treatment, or gout.
14) Some blues names for women:
b. Big Mama
15) Some blues names for men:
b. Big Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightnin' (or, I suppose, Willie Lightnin')
Persons with names like Felipe, Sierra or Sequoia or Simon will not be permitted to sing the blues - no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
15b) Other blues names (Starter Kit):
a. Name of a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of an Amercian President (Fillmore, Jefferson, Johnson, Washington)
- Lawyers questions
ACTUAL questions asked of witnesses by lawyers during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by the witnesses:
1) "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2) "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3) "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4) "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5) "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6) "Did he kill you?"
7) "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8) "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9) "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10) Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11) Q: "She had three children, right?"
Q: "How many were boys?"
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12) Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13) Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14) Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15) Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16) Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17) Q: "Doctor, how many post mortems have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my post mortems are performed on dead people."
18) Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."
19) Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The post mortem started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing a post mortem."
20) Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21) Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22) Q: "Doctor, before you performed the post mortem examination, did you check for a pulse?"
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the post mortem?"
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive......and practicing law somewhere!"
- University of Life - courses
Here are details of two new degree courses being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY. There are separate courses for men and women, written by the opposite sex in each case.
Course Title for Men: BECOMING A REAL MAN
That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
Course Tile for Women: OVERCOMING INTOLERABLENESS
In the same amount of time it takes to become a real man, you too can learn how to become bearable, in spite of your natural instincts.
COURSES FOR MEN - YEAR ONE - Autumn
MEN101 Combating Stupidity
MEN102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN103 PMS- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear for Christmas
COURSES FOR MEN - YEAR ONE - Winter
MEN111 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN112 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN113 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
MEN114 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
COURSES FOR MEN - YEAR ONE - Spring
MEN121 How NOT to Act Like an Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN122 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN123 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN124 Reasons to Give Flowers
COURSES FOR MEN - YEAR TWO - Autumn
MEN201 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
MEN202 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN203 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN204 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
COURSES FOR MEN - YEAR TWO - Winter
MEN211 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN212 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN213 You, Too, Can Be an Other-Named-Driver
MEN214 Honestly, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt - Especially Naked
COURSES FOR MEN - YEAR TWO - Spring
MEN221 Omitting @#%=AC=AC&*! From Your Vocabulary
MEN222 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is Not Necessary
MEN223 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN224 Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered Foreplay
COURSES FOR WOMEN - YEAR ONE - Autumn
WOMEN101 Overcoming the Fallacious Assumption that You're Never Wrong
WOMEN102 How NOT to Act Like An Asshole When You're Right: - avoiding the I-Told-You-So whine
WOMEN103 Housework, You Knew It Was Part of the Deal When You Walked In
WOMEN104 PMS - No, We DON'T Just Have to Put Up With It: - learning NOT to indulge your bad moods
WOMEN105 How to Wait for Another Person to Finish Speaking Before You Start Talking
COURSES FOR WOMEN - YEAR ONE - Winter
WOMEN111 If It's Your Plan To -Change Him-, Don't Marry Him - a conceptual approach to marrying for valid reasons
WOMEN112 Christmas & Birthdays: Avoiding the Power Tool Default Mode
WOMEN113 Stereotypical Assumptions Concerning Male Behaviors and Motivations: - the fallacy of Women's magazine articles and the 'Experts' who write them
WOMEN114 The Interpersonal Interaction Laboratory: - don't ask for the truth, when what you really want is agreement
WOMEN115 How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
COURSES FOR WOMEN - YEAR ONE - Spring
WOMEN121 Get A Life: Your Girlfriends Don't Have the Answer
WOMEN122 Thinking For Yourself: - you don't really need an opinion from ten other Know-It-All women before making a decision
WOMEN123 The Best-Friend Problem: She Doesn't Need to Know Every Detail of Our Relationship - a mixed-gender seminar focusing on privacy issues and the betrayal of trust
WOMEN124 Soap Operas: Not A Mirror of Reality
WOMEN125 Learning to Understand and Accept That We Aren't Required to Adhere to Decisions Your Mother Makes
COURSES FOR WOMEN - YEAR TWO - Autumn
WOMEN201 Sex: You CAN Learn To Stop Using It As A Weapon
WOMEN202 The Role of Sex in Marriage. If We Don't Get It Here, It's a) Grounds For Divorce b) OK To Get It Elsewhere
WOMEN203 How To Participate in the Sexual Act: If It Was Enjoyable Before We Were Married, Why Is It Dirty & Immature Now? - a series of discussions on the nature of honesty in relationships
WOMEN204 Foreplay: The Two-Way Street with No Stop Signs
COURSES FOR WOMEN - YEAR TWO - Winter
WOMEN211 Admonishment and Rebuke: The Death of Love
WOMEN212 High Horses: How to Avoid Getting Up On One
WOMEN213 Timliness: Stifling Your Contempt For It
WOMEN214 Parenting: Nine Months of a Natural, Biologic Process Does Not Qualify You As An Infallible Expert
WOMEN215 Feminist Rhetoric: Yes, You're An Equal, Now Give It A Rest
COURSES FOR WOMEN - YEAR TWO - Spring
WOMEN221 Eliminating "Can't You Ever Do Anything Right?" From Your Vocabulary
WOMEN222 Getting Over the Pain of Knowing That Sometimes, We're Just Not Thinking About You
WOMEN223 Saying What You REALLY Mean: - the end of game playing
WOMEN224 Emotional Blackmail: A Twelve Step Program For Kicking the Habit
- A yuppie gets ship-wrecked
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... till the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gumtree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
The guy was stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and the sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines--strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my e-mail from here?"
- 12 Days of Christmas... 20th C style
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine... two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You're being a little overly romantic.
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. Glad you stopped with the birds.
All my love,
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
John: What's with you and those damn birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny anymore, so stop with those birds.
O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the am I supposed to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring those cows. Cowpies are all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, jerk. Agnes
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing, they won't stop. They have been chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows get upset and step all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours, Agnes
You Rotten dirtbag. Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why they're called ladies? They have been up with those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep so now they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of cowpoop. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you.
One who means it.
Listen! #%#!head, What's with the 11 lords a-leaping? All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the cows. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
December 25, 1979
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. You shall refrain from all correspondence with our client and direct any inquiries to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to forcibly restrain you and call the police.
With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest.
Badger, Bender and Cahole
- 37 Ways to Say Someone is Dumb
1) A few clowns short of a circus.
2) A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3) An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4) Dumber than a box of hair.
5) A few peas short of a casserole.
6) Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
7) The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
8) One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
9) One taco short of a combination plate.
10) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
11) The cheese slid off his cracker.
12) Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
13) Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
14) Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
15) Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
16) He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
17) An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
18) As smart as bait.
19) Chimney's clogged.
20) Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
21) Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
22) Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
23) Forgot to pay his brain bill.
24) Her sewing machine's out of thread.
25) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
26) His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
27) If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
28) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
29) No grain in the silo.
30) Receiver is off the hook.
31) Several nuts short of a full pouch.
32) Skylight leaks a little.
33) Slinky's kinked.
34) Surfing in Nebraska.
35) Too much yardage between the goal posts.
36) Big like ox, smart like tractor
37) A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
- 51 days
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila.
He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.
They all clink glasses and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round.
This time they pick up the glasses again and more gleefully yell "Only 51 days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by 'only 51 days'.
One of the blondes looks up and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days... and on the box it said 3-6 years."
- Bill Gates advice to teenages
To anyone with kids, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1 Life is not fair - get used to it.
RULE 2 The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3 You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4 If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5 Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
RULE 6 If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7 Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
RULE 8 Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9 Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10 Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to Leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think, and refused to apologise when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of t weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a fast and more efficient machine.
So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!
- Biblical ways to get a wife
- 1) Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2) Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12) Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
13) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15) A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
- 1) Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
- Bill Gates : Heaven & hell
Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It had a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was pleased.
"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven."
"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," replied God "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amid hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loudly he screamed.
"How's everything going?" He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment.
"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????"
"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 98."
- A little bit of clean fun!
The following letters were taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel submitted the letters to the London Sunday Times for their humour column.
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized bar. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size bar so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your bar was. I put the bar in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.
Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size bar is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size bar. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size bar. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size bar. Please give me back my bath-size bar.
Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size bar. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the Northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the Northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized bar which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
- Are computers male or female?
Reasons why they must be male:
1. They're heavily dependant on external tools and equipment.
2. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3. They are typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've invested so much time in the damn machine that they are compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
4. They get hot when you turn them on and thats the only time you get their attention.
Reasons why they must be female:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message 'bad command or filename' is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm certainly not going to tell you"
- The Garden of Eden
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
- An article from a German newspaper
In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the catflap," Gunter Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany.
"I suppose that's the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realised that."
Burpus (41), a gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys.
"I got my head and shoulders through the flap but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing, I sang songs and told myself jokes.
But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there.
People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said Very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police.
The rescue services came and cut me out, but the police arrested me as soon as I was free. Luckily, they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 ($2,000) in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."
- A half-time gag, before our next 'meet'
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!".
Behind him is an enormous lorry full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Now go away" - and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a huge lorry full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling: "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, you've got the wrong bloke. I don't want them!" then slams the door in his face again.
The following day Nelson is resting and, late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO lorrys full of car windscreens.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
- Hit the underground
If you've ever travelled on the London Underground, here are some facts which you are going to wish you hadn't read. During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department of Forensics at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness.
Despite London Underground's claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries. The analysis was broken down. This is what was found on the surface of the seats:
1) 4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)
2) 7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)
3) vomit originating from at least 9 separate people
4) human urine originating from at least 4 separate people
5) human excrement
6) rodent excrement
7) human semen
When the seats were taken apart, they found:
1) the remains of 6 mice
2) the remains of 2 large rats
3) 1 previously unheard of fungus
It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring, to your body, the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people.
It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground.
It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground seat before eating.
It is estimated that, within London, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst travelling on the London Underground than for any other reason (including alcohol).
- Ten Things That Men Know About Women
10) They have breasts.
- A Jewish father...
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent him to Israel to experience his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home.
"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers. It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons. Brothers, we must take this to the Lord."
At this they fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed the clouds above them opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me, I too sent My Son to Israel......"
- A London tourist
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?"
"Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."
- A Man buys a dog
A man really wants to buy himself an Alsatian dog, and he sees this ad in the paper, advertising one for £300.00. He decides to go and see the dog.
When he gets there, he sees a wonderful young dog lying dozing in the floor. He asks the breeder if the dog has a pedigree. The breeder says: "Why don't you ask him yourself?"
Rather sheepishly and feeling a bit embarrassed, the guy says to the dog: "Do you have a pedigree at all?"
The dog says: "Well, yes. I come from a long line of German Alsatians and both my parents were champion show dogs."
Flabbergasted, the guy asks the breeder if the dog is house trained. The breeder again says: "Why don't you ask him yourself?"
So the guy asks the dog: "Are you house trained?"
The dog replies: "Well, yes. I was fully trained at 3 months old to go outside, do my business, cover it over, wipe my paws clean and come back inside."
The guy is overwhelmed and says to the breeder: "Why are you only selling him for £300.00?"
And the breeder replies: "Because he's a bloody liar!"
- A Man goes to the doctor
A man went to the Doctor and the Doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live.
He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"
- A man goes on holiday
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for avacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
- New York in the year 2032
A man and his son are walking through a highly built-up Manhattan when they come across an empty space and the father stops to reflect for a while.
"Imagine son," the father says "exactly 31 years ago the great twin towers stood proudly in this area".
Intrigued by the comment the son then asks "what were the twin towers dad?", to which the father replies "they were two of the largest buildings in the world and they housed many thousands of offices.... but in 2001 they were destroyed by Arabs."
The son pauses for a while and then asks "what's an Arab dad?"
- A Spanish delicacy
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks?
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects, "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not always lose."
- A cricketing sporting praise classic!
Hit me for six lord
Hit me for six lord, in the test match of life
Hit me so hard that I blissfully sail
Way o’er the boundary, towards maida vale
Hit me for six lord, in the test match of life
Make me oh make me, lord more than I am
Make me a fielder in, your master game plan
I’ll show the heathen, just where it’s all at
I’ve got the balls lord, if you’ve got the bat
- A true story to brighten your day
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Some may doubt whether the right person was told to clear their desk..... Anyway here is the actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Corel Customer Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away? Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too bloody stupid to own a computer."
Any resemblance to computer owners living or dead is purely coincidental!!!!
- A little humour for Monday to bring a smile to your face!
- A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
- A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.